The One Question Every Burned-Out Woman Should Ask Herself

Last year, when I was hustling to change my disillusionment with corporate medicine by, well, hustling harder, I was on a call with Kenji Alto from Semi-Retired MD, exploring the idea of joining their team of dedicated investors.

As I shared what I was truly passionate about, he said, “You should really talk to [we’ll call her T].” She happened to be another child psychiatrist and investor.

T and I chatted, and at one point, she paused toward the end of our conversation and said, “You seem sad.”

She didn't say it in a way that meant You seem depressed or You need to get help. It was this very intuitive, psychiatrist-to-psychiatrist observation that somehow crystallized what I hadn't been able to see for myself: I was chasing and hustling because I wanted to do something different with my life that felt—right. Except I needed the money to back me up if I suddenly quit being a doctor.

She later said something else that stuck with me: “If there’s anything I’ve learned in all of this, it’s not asking if I have time to meditate, but rather, I can’t afford not to meditate.”

We were both acknowledging that meditation wasn't some kind of woo-woo, New Age fluff. It was something highly-driven women often struggle to understand because meditation feels an awful lot like doing nothing.

And doing nothing? For people like T and I, that can feel unbearable. Instead of checking something off a list, you're sitting there while your thoughts flood in. Your to-do list gets louder precisely because you're not doing any of it. There’s no immediate gratification. No sweaty endorphin rush like a brisk walk or run. No measurable progress like adding another five pounds to the bar. Or even the brief satisfaction of a clean kitchen.

So I did what any hustler would do. I dove hard into meditation! I was going to be the best meditator ever!

I wrote my own scripts. I recorded them. I practiced them.

And then I stopped.

But that's not the point.

The point is I learned how to meditate. I especially learned there isn't one right way to do it. I learned about the science behind it. I learned to notice what was happening inside me rather than immediately trying to fix it. And, over time, I learned to trust and tap into a larger energy and narrative that seemed to permeate my days.

Oh, and I took up yoga, finally. That's my meditation for now, I suppose. Mostly because my hip had been bothering me and I knew I needed to stretch more. I swear I never thought I would become a yogi. And yet, somehow, that's the thing I've actually stuck with for this season of my life. (Side plug: Here's where I go for all my yoga needs, because I'm too embarrassed to do it in front of other people.)

So here's what I really want to say to those of you who are thinking you have to change your circumstances. Now. That you need to leave the job. Start the business. Get the right doctor. The right diet. Move somewhere new. Figure it all out. Right now. Or at least tomorrow!

Just . . . don't.

At least, not in the way you think you have to.

Ask yourself this: What if, instead of hustling to change my circumstances, I “hustled” to change my nervous system?

This isn't me saying you must go meditate or practice mindfulness or take up yoga, and that will solve you staying up late into the night answering emails you don't want to answer. I don't know what will work for you. Some people think mindfulness makes you worse. As long as whatever you try doesn't involve scrolling, and honestly, we could all just sleep better, too.

For me the meditation and yoga didn't make it so I stopped barking at my kids or stopped randomly breaking down in anxious tears. But my antennae got adjusted. I noticed opportunities I would've dismissed. I felt more aligned with what I wanted to say yes too—and, perhaps even more importantly, what to say no to. I procrastinated less. I'd like to think my truest most authentic life started to shift a little toward me without any work or hustling at all.

And most important, I felt at peace focusing on what really matters. Without a doubt, I know we’d all say in unison what matters to us: Our people. Partners, parents, friends, children. You say yes to the Uno game. To when your kid interrupts you on the computer and says, “Take us paddleboarding!” Yes. Yes, whatever I'm doing, it can wait.

The answers to perhaps how to "fix" things is there inside that frazzled nervous system. Take the time to listen. It won’t shout at you. There won’t be some flashing neon sign or roadmap for your happiest life that materializes out of thin air. (I say that somewhat seriously because I have written many road maps to what my life's happiness should be and I always seem to not follow them anyway because I'm constantly re-rerouting!)

Here's what my zen-ish nervous system finally did tell me: trust me. It's going to happen. You have all the time in the world. So put down the computer and go paddleboarding.

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